sorry i’ve been distant

you might light a cigarette and tell me “we’re all gonna die someday”
and i’ll shake my head disapprovingly but
secretly love it

the way the smoke frames your hair and
that look in your eyes like you’ve thought of it all but
you’re scared anyways, just not sure of what

and i’ll still miss you

after you roll your eyes or ignore me
after i make you cry and apologize
knowing that i shouldn’t have to apologize

“i’m sorry” becomes battered and torn
and we abstain from saying it like a curse
we do curse, but never when we mean it

that’s why the nicotine works
why leaning over and kissing you works
comfort in what we don’t have to say

things reminded by held eye contact
a stare into blue you can only keep up for so long
before remembering what you didn’t want to say

you look down
i wonder if you wish you had a cig
or something to sweep up those words
put them back, or throw them away

© 2018-19